Baby Go Wee Wee

The Piggy Car

Sport Funny picture

Feel Tired Take A Nap.

funny car

The Efficiency Expert

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of


caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked

somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert

explained. "She made a lot of trips between the refrigerator, stove,

table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day

I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to

take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

What's for Dinner?

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, ''Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.'' ''Well,'' the doctor replied, ''go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about five feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness''.


Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, ''Honey, what's for dinner?'' He hears no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, ''Honey, what's for dinner?'' She replies, ''For the fourth time, vegetable stew!''

On their way home from the bar

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I’m very sorry officer, I didn’t realize it was out, I’ll get it fixed right away."


Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John’s license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn’t realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!" pr0perty0fgl0wp0rt

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

Jessica replied, "only when he’s drunk."

Beer

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains large traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the

scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively

without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned."

Cat Warrior

Crazy house----

Top Security

Top 10 Differences Between Man and Woman

1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


2. Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

3. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.

4. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

5. There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman- before and after marriage.

6. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

7. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

8. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance.

New CocaCola

NO Exception

Cat Water Ski

No Exit

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.


The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can’t get out of the room!"

"You can’t get out of your room!?" the captain asked. "Why not?"

She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the closet, one is the bathroom, and one has a sign on it that says ’Do Not Disturb’!

Correct Answers

Joey and Katie are sitting in school.


Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question.

"Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?" Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

"Jesus Christ almighty! !" Exclaimed Katie.

"Correct." Says the teacher.

So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up "Who created Heaven and Earth?" Katie (Again sleeping) is poked by Joey’s pencil "Jesus Christ almighty!" she exclaims.

"Correct again." Says the teacher.

So the next day, for a 3rd time, The teacher asks Katie "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"

Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey’s pencil again, and screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!"

My First Wish

Funny car

Good Job But Sack????

My Boss ask me to draw a floor map for the office. I spented 2 week to finish drawing the floor map.

 Yesterday i show my boss the drawing i draw on my computer, he say good job and ask me to print it out.

......................................................................................................................

...................................................................................................

.........................................................................

But i print it, HE SACK ME???????????????

Sexy Timepiece

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, "Wow, that’s a really fancy watch."


Thanks, says the guy, "It’s the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it’ll answer me, telepathically."

"Rubbish," says the girl.

"No, it’s true," says that guy. "Look, tell you what, I’ll prove it. I’ll ask it if you’ve got any panties on."

The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, "Nope, it says you haven’t got any panties on."

"Well, it’s wrong," says the girl, "I do have panties on."

"Damn," says the guy, slapping his watch, "it’s an hour fast!"

A Father’s Last Request

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short. The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"



The wife replied, "I swear on everything that’s holy that he is your son."


With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three."

A military cargo plane

A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.



He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who’s crying. They ask him why he’s crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"


They drive more and meet another boy who’s crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"


They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who’s laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what’s so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"

What Have I Done Now?

One day a lady was driving on the highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights. She thought to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I’m not speeding. I’m not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues and everything!"




So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side right behind her car. She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew she didn’t deserve it. A policeman walked up to her window, and spoke to her. The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf. The policeman smiled slightly, and knowing sign language, signed back, "I know. I’m here to tell you that your horn is stuck."

The Head Hog

A man called the church office one day and said, "Can I please speak to the head hog at the trough?"



The secretary, highly offended, said, "If you mean the pastor, then you may refer to him as ’Pastor’ or ’Brother,’but you may certainly NOT refer to him as the ’head hog atthe trough!’"


The man said, "Well, I was planning on giving $10,000 to your church’s building fund, but..."


"Hold on," the secretary quickly replied, "the big fat pig just walked in."

Superman

Three guys were standing at the top of the Empire State Building in NYC. The first guy says to the second, "You know, the wind currents are so strong here in NYC that one could step off the edge of the building and literally float in mid-air due to the upward thrust of the thermal air current."




"No way, man, you’re crazy," said the second guy to the first. So the first guy steps off the edge of the building and justs floats in mid-air for about 20 seconds and then returns to the roof of the building.



The second guy is simply thrilled and says, "watch me do that" as he steps from the edge roof into the open air. Of course he falls like a stone straight down all the way to the waiting pavement below—SPLAT!



The third guy, who has remained quiet the entire time, leans over to the first guy and say, "You know something Superman, sometimes you can be a real asshole!"

The Salary

The World Best Umbrella

Rumours

In this days rumours has been around our side.. This is how rumours has been going...

The Drink You Need.

To make your day a wonderfull day. Put this drink in your office....

Yo Mama So Dumb

Yo mama so dumb, she called the operator to see how long it takes to get from Las Vegas to New york, the operator said "just a minuite", she said "Thank you". and hung up the phone.

Dog Escape

I'll Try To Hold Myself

Top Forecast

Toilet Impression

How do you think of this one???

Cat Bloopers

Sunday Class

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty !" shouted Mary.

The teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?", but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary.

The teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

Amazing Performance

Johnny Asking Mommy

Little Johnny and her mother were out and about. Little Johnny, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older.

Little Johnny then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weight?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this too, as you grow up."

Little Johnny still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The Little Johnny , frustrated, sulks until he is dropped off at a friend's house to play. He consults with his friend about him and her mother's conversation. His friend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the Little Johnny and her mother are out and about again. The Little Johnny starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are, You're 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The Little Johnny shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weight. You weight 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?", said the mother again.

The Little Johnny says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an "F" in sex."

20 dollars

Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me".

His friend says "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill".

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.

"You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting" etc.

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."

She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars".

"Ah, yes." says the man. "He pee'd in my trousers too".

Cross-Eyed Dog

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"
"Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him" The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.

"Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" say's the man.

"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.

The lipstick Fault

According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria,
BC recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Helpdesk print for red

Customer: I have problems printing in red...

Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

See the guts Joke

In a ship the Generals of three nations were traveling with their soldiers. They started the topic that whose soldier had more of guts.

The American general called for one of his men and told him to jump down the ship and take a round swimming around the moving ship. The soldier did as he was commanded and the general boasted of by saying "See the guts !".

Now the German general called out for one of his men and asked him to take two similar rounds.the soldier did as he was told.when he came back from the water the German said "See the guts ".

Now the Indian General called out for his most courageous man and asked him to take five similar rounds.

The soldier promptly replied, "Am I your dad's servant?".

At this the general proudly said "See the guts".

"Got Any Duck Food"

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bar tender for some duck food. The bar tender says "We dont have any duck food and we don't serve ducks now get out!"

The next day the duck walks in the bar again asking for duck food.The bar tender looks at him and says hay body, I told you we don't serve DUCK FOOD, now get out!"

The next day the duck comes back in asking for duck food.The bar tender said "If you ever come in here and ask for duck food again,I'll nail your beak to the ground. Now GET OUT!"

The next day the duck walks into the bar and says "Have you got any nails?" The bar tender says "no" The duck replied "have you got any duck food then??"

The Car Problem

One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down.

The mechanical engineer said, "I think a rod broke."

The chemical engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's not getting enough gas."

The electrical engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something's wrong with the electrical system."

All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?"

The computer engineer said, "I think we should all get out and then get back in."

My Grandma Boyfriend

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.

The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.

When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."